It's been a while, how've you been?

So this is going to be my first attempt at writing a blog after having had a huggggge break. Otherwise known as writers block/my kids prefer that I have zero ‘me’ time. I have decided to disguise my break as an excuse for a fresh start. I have a new blog name, mama_bear2017, same blog, same cubs just a new name.

So here’s what you’ve missed while I’ve been gone

- My mama bear has the all clear from her third fight with cancer. She is a kick ass bitch.

- My beautiful Sister in law is getting married, we now have a date. We are now on a countdown of just over 400 days till I have to haul 3 kids on a long haul flight to Australia. Maybe I can tempt her to get married in England....yeh right.

- I’m now in full swing at being a working mama, even though it still breaks my heart when I don’t get to tuck them in.

- It’s been that long since I’ve had chance to book a brow wax, that when I called to book this week my beautician informed me she has just returned from maternity leave, didn’t even know she was pregnant!!

- My stepcub has been given an inhaler which he thinks is really cool, I however am less impressed and more worried about how his breathlessness will effect him in the future. I plan to spend the near future shoving it at him every time he sneezes or sighs. Just in case.

- hubby, well he's still just good old hubby, socks on the floor and all. 

 So how are Mr S and Mr B, They are both at a difficult stage in their own ways. Mr B is going through a very angry stage in life where he likes to smack me, Mr S and of course his toys. I have no idea what his toys have actually done to upset him but there is obviously some long standing issue there. Mr S is feeling very needy, while at the same time hating me for ‘forcing him’ to be a big boy. There has been a lot of dirty protests when it comes to potty training. He has scaled cupboards for his bedtime dodo’s, when it’s not bedtime and he has even recently asked to be held like a baba.

Mr S starts nursery in September so I suddenly feel like the potty training, the dummy, the wanting to be a baby issue, IS an issue. Where we have been taking it at a slow relaxed pace, letting him do things when he is ready. I suddenly hear the seconds ticking away like the countdown clock every time he shits his pants. I don’t want Mr S to be the little boy the nursery staff talk about because he isn’t potty trained/grown out of naps/ able to go everyday without a dummy. Maybe I’m over thinking it, I don’t know. Mr S is the first to go to nursery so I don’t know what they expect of him or what I should expect of them for that matter.

I know every mama and dada says the cliché time goes so fast but my god it’s true. I don’t plan to have anymore babies, which makes all the milestones seem to pass even quicker, because subconsciously I’m thinking, I never get to do these moments again. Some I can live without like shitty nappies in the night and sterilising bottles but the majority i will miss. Snuggles, first steps, first teeth, tiny shoes and clothes. It just seems far too soon to send Mr S too school, he is still a baby in my eyes. A teeny tiny baby, not a growing 2 year old who can now hold a conversation and has the ability to get the attention of a whole room. Everyone tells me he will be fine and he will love it, but I just can’t get on board with that.

When I get in bed I keep picturing him walking into school smiling, new back pack and lunch box in hand. Ready to be educated and be independent. But then my thought turns to a nightmare. The nursery door shuts and the other children are picking on him and pushing him. The teacher, miss trunchbull esque, calls him to the front of the class and calls him out for still needing pull up pants. He cries for me and wants to come home, but everyone just laughs at him. Then my hubby asks me what I’m thinking about, “nothing dear just excited for Mr S starting nursery”.

Oh the joys of being trapped inside a mama head. The train of thought that leads to (irrational) fear, worry (that your mumming wrong, if there even is a wrong way), upset (they cry when you shout at them, then you cry) and just plain old tiredness, or as most mamas call it completely and utterly fooked!!!!

Good day to you xx

P.s I’ve missed you